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About Literature / Hobbyist Alexander LePluisMale/United States Group :icondepression-strikes: Depression-Strikes
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dóchas is my word for the day
A word of meaning
A word of history
A word that holds connotations I dare not even dream of

dóchas is my word for the day
I swirl it around on my tongue like a fine wine
It tingles my lips my pop rocks and coke
It sits in my stomach like a good steak

dóchas is my word for the day
My latest attempt to find a connection to my ancestors
My latest attempt to question the worth of painful possibilities
My latest attempt to quiet the screaming voices of irrationality

dóchas is my word for the day
It scares me to the marrow
Rooting me to this spot
Compelling me to flee

dóchas is my word for the day
I have spent so long in darkness that the light terrifies me
The light I see warms but holds the ever present possibility of burning me alive
I am crippled with fear

dóchas is my word for the day
dóchas is terrifying me in a new way
dóchas is bringing me a question of a better future
dóchas is lowering my coffin into the ground with me in it
I met a girl, shes making me feel
I met a girl, shes making me fear
I met a girl, shes making me tear
I met a girl, shes making me hope

Shes making me hope

Shes making me hope


The memory fly's through my head

Shot from a bullet of existential nonsense

Opens up old wounds, reminds us why we flew

All I feel is the pain of hope


I met a girl And I just don't know

I met a girl and I can't figure out whether to hope

I met a girl and I want to know

I met a girl and I just want to overthrow


Years ago the process started

When I was barred from the process started

Is it possible now

To find that devil that I ran aground


Is that evil inside of me

Really desirable to thee

Is that evil inside of me

Really something you want to see


Have I finally found a place

Where havoc and hell I can raise

Have I finally found a mind

That wants to embrace mine


I met a girl, shes making me feel
I met a girl, shes making me fear
I met a girl, shes making me tear
I met a girl, shes making me hope

Shes making me hope

Shes making me hope
as the music flows through my veins

I hear the voice of hope echo through this place

The woman I used to wish was my mother

Serenading me with cultural flutter



I turn my face to a being that I've never seen

I ask for hope and peace, oh please



I am the borderman

I am the last of Malkier

I am the borderman

I say "peace" like its a talisman



The ululating cries of the horde

They circle me and threaten to overthrow

This small place of hope I have built

Why can't I find the balm to their anger

Why can't I find the rudder to weather this storm


I am the borderman

I am the last of Malkier

I am the borderman

I whisper "peace" and cling onto hope


I am the borderman, blade at my side

I am the borderman, knows nothing but fight

I am the borderman, all alone

I am the borderman, trying to atone
I'm crawling down
Or maybe its up
All I know is that the flesh of my hands
Has been sacrificed to the altar of this wall

There is a weight
Strapped inside of me
I don't remember putting it there
Must have been sedated for the surgery

How come my, emotions
How come my, compulsions
How come my, Leanan Sidhe

HAS TAKEN ME

WHY! Can't you leave me alone
WHY! Do you find me alone
WHY! can't you come when I'm ready to leave this place

How come you never visit me
When my sadness seems to flee
How come we never share a meal
When I'm grinning ear to ear

Is it your fault
That I'm so Caught
Is it your fault
That my hands are bleeding

WHY! Can't you leave me alone
WHY! Do you find me alone
WHY! can't you come when I'm ready to leave this place

Which way is up(which was is down)
Which way is up(which was is down)
Which way is up(which was is down)
Which way is up(which was is down)

When is an Angel going to save me
Lord knows that I can't save myself
Lord know that I'm stuck in this hell
I'm dying, from trying

All I want is a  place to sleep

I'm holding on
To this wall
Trying not
To drop and fall

I need a space to breath
I need a face to see
Why is is to hard to see how much is troubling me
whew...so for a long time I thought that I was a sociopath. I went years without feeling anything. My therapist and I have been working on that. Over the last year I have fallen to the depths of depression and back. I am an adult. And I am just now learning how to cope with emotion. I watched the BFG over the weekend and I cried. Not sobby crying (don't know if I've ever done that actually...) but there were a few tears...most I've had flow out in a long time...fuck I'm tearing up just writing this. Its just this whole new thing.  I don't even know how normal people function because I keep having these moods swings and while it has been an experience it makes me miss cold logic. 

I have been struggling with companionship and loneliness. I cried the other night because I just wanted someone to cuddle with. I'm a grown man. I pay bills. I use power tools. I can swing a sword. and these fucking emotions...jeez...I'm like a kid. I really am. Because most people just grow up and learn how to handle this. and I just don't know how. 

I have begun to crave affection again in an unhealthy way. its been 11 months since we parted ways with beloved. and in that time I have learned that I will do almost anything for a kind word or a gentle touch. The joys of being an abuse survivor I guess...I even  went so far as to look into a "professional cuddler" but none operate in my area. future me, guard yourself, this past weekend we almost broke every vow and promise we have made to ourselves in return for a moment of pleasure and a kind word. We really are just like a kicked puppy, keep taking out licks in hopes of a new ending...before the thereapist started making us "feel" things it was bearable. we could disassociate or change our perception of time enough that the hard parts were minimal. but now...now we must be ever more vigilant...we are quickly growing to be a slave to these new "feelings" andwere there to be a woman who treated us kindly for an extended period of time and did not find us immidiately distasteful to look upon...well...I daresay you may now find yourself pledged to her service, cause, and desires future me....I hope we choose well...I hope she is not using us again...I hope we care if she is using us...I hope we do not go back to the place we left...soichan leat future me...may it actually mean something this time...
whew...so for a long time I thought that I was a sociopath. I went years without feeling anything. My therapist and I have been working on that. Over the last year I have fallen to the depths of depression and back. I am an adult. And I am just now learning how to cope with emotion. I watched the BFG over the weekend and I cried. Not sobby crying (don't know if I've ever done that actually...) but there were a few tears...most I've had flow out in a long time...fuck I'm tearing up just writing this. Its just this whole new thing.  I don't even know how normal people function because I keep having these moods swings and while it has been an experience it makes me miss cold logic. 

I have been struggling with companionship and loneliness. I cried the other night because I just wanted someone to cuddle with. I'm a grown man. I pay bills. I use power tools. I can swing a sword. and these fucking emotions...jeez...I'm like a kid. I really am. Because most people just grow up and learn how to handle this. and I just don't know how. 

I have begun to crave affection again in an unhealthy way. its been 11 months since we parted ways with beloved. and in that time I have learned that I will do almost anything for a kind word or a gentle touch. The joys of being an abuse survivor I guess...I even  went so far as to look into a "professional cuddler" but none operate in my area. future me, guard yourself, this past weekend we almost broke every vow and promise we have made to ourselves in return for a moment of pleasure and a kind word. We really are just like a kicked puppy, keep taking out licks in hopes of a new ending...before the thereapist started making us "feel" things it was bearable. we could disassociate or change our perception of time enough that the hard parts were minimal. but now...now we must be ever more vigilant...we are quickly growing to be a slave to these new "feelings" andwere there to be a woman who treated us kindly for an extended period of time and did not find us immidiately distasteful to look upon...well...I daresay you may now find yourself pledged to her service, cause, and desires future me....I hope we choose well...I hope she is not using us again...I hope we care if she is using us...I hope we do not go back to the place we left...soichan leat future me...may it actually mean something this time...

deviantID

ookami-no-getsuei
Alexander LePluis
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
Updated 9/12/2015 11:46 PM CST

It has been a few years since I have updated this, and I think its about time to do that. I'm Alexander(Alex, Red, Thor, Thornado, Thunder, Nemo, etc) and I love art in all its forms. I have been through my share of hell and a lot of my work reflects the hell I have either been through or am currently walking through. I am an extremely empathetic person and have a bit of a hero complex so feel free to contact me if you believe I can be of any assistance (p.s. I'm a super good listener...apparently... lol.) I recently broke off my engagement and ended a 3 year relationship so I am dealing with that and attempting to pick up the pieces of my shattered life.

I'm not big on thanking people for fav's, or replying to people who are thanking me for fav's sorry if that offends you.

I tend to add people to my friends list so I can raid their galleries at random times should you find you have like eighty messages saying "ookami-no-getsuei faved all your gallery" yeah that was a bout of sleep deprivation fueled poetry want lol. and if I halfway raid your gallery that means I went into poetry overload...but iz okz...I BE BAK MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...anyway...

My avatar is a pic of the horse head nebula as captured by the hubble space telescope for any of you that were wondering (i wuvs space, physics, and astronomy)

ever wanna talk bout anything simply send me a note I'm more than happy to listen. I know difference between wanting to talk to someone and not having anyone to talk to...its not a distinction I think people should half to learn. and as such I'm here to listen and if you so choose advise.

Current Residence: Tennessee, USA
Favourite genre of music: Metal/ traditional music of any nationality
Personal Quote: "In order to tell my story, first I too must tell the story of another" ~The Consul~
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:iconteaganrat:
TeaganRat Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2015  Student General Artist
Thank you for the favourite, it means a lot. *hug*
Reply
:iconwardendarkwingartist:
WardenDarkwingArtist Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the fave!!
Much appreciated!
Feeding On Sour Tears 
Reply
:icononyxelm:
OnyxElm Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2015
Thanks for the fave!: )
Reply
:iconookami-no-getsuei:
ookami-no-getsuei Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Don't thank me just yet. I am sure after a while my name in your notifications box will become an annoyance :p I have a feeling I will favorite more than you expect in the future owo
Reply
:icononyxelm:
OnyxElm Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2015
Hahaha I am incredibly flattered and let me assure you I will never ever be annoyed at seeing a notification! I'm just delighted that someone is able to enjoy my writing. :)
Reply
:iconnovelwrite:
Novelwrite Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the fave. :D It's a macabre work, certainly, but I like a bit of the macabre, don't you?
Reply
:iconookami-no-getsuei:
ookami-no-getsuei Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
I am a great fan of the macabre
Reply
:iconnovelwrite:
Novelwrite Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
:D
Reply
:iconlyenta:
Lyenta Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2013
Thanks for the fave :D
Reply
:iconkunasha12:
Kunasha12 Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
thanks for the fav. xD are your parents like that too?
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