ookami-no-getsuei

whew...so for a long time I thought that I was a sociopath. I went years without feeling anything. My therapist and I have been working on that. Over the last year I have fallen to the depths of depression and back. I am an adult. And I am just now learning how to cope with emotion. I watched the BFG over the weekend and I cried. Not sobby crying (don't know if I've ever done that actually...) but there were a few tears...most I've had flow out in a long time...fuck I'm tearing up just writing this. Its just this whole new thing.  I don't even know how normal people function because I keep having these moods swings and while it has been an experience it makes me miss cold logic. 

I have been struggling with companionship and loneliness. I cried the other night because I just wanted someone to cuddle with. I'm a grown man. I pay bills. I use power tools. I can swing a sword. and these fucking emotions...jeez...I'm like a kid. I really am. Because most people just grow up and learn how to handle this. and I just don't know how. 

I have begun to crave affection again in an unhealthy way. its been 11 months since we parted ways with beloved. and in that time I have learned that I will do almost anything for a kind word or a gentle touch. The joys of being an abuse survivor I guess...I even  went so far as to look into a "professional cuddler" but none operate in my area. future me, guard yourself, this past weekend we almost broke every vow and promise we have made to ourselves in return for a moment of pleasure and a kind word. We really are just like a kicked puppy, keep taking out licks in hopes of a new ending...before the thereapist started making us "feel" things it was bearable. we could disassociate or change our perception of time enough that the hard parts were minimal. but now...now we must be ever more vigilant...we are quickly growing to be a slave to these new "feelings" andwere there to be a woman who treated us kindly for an extended period of time and did not find us immidiately distasteful to look upon...well...I daresay you may now find yourself pledged to her service, cause, and desires future me....I hope we choose well...I hope she is not using us again...I hope we care if she is using us...I hope we do not go back to the place we left...soichan leat future me...may it actually mean something this time...

Not sure if anyone reads these anymore.I suppose this has becoke a sort of diary for me. In any case. I have to go back to the doctor soon. Perhaps back to the hospital *shiver* I hate hospitals. Spent to kuch time in and out of them when I was younger I guess... I've been pretty sick recently. Some kind of GI thing. Everything I eat makes me nauseous and if I dont eat very bland food it causes intense pain. On the bright side its made loosing weight easier....anyway I am still alive. Got a promotion at work. Got shafted by the irs because my w4 was filled out wrong. The shakes have come back. Make me scared for parkinsons like grandaddy....probably just a side effect from the meds...hopefully....will ask doctor at next visit. My search for human companionship has turned up sour so far. I dont even know ehat exactly I am looking for. Just some intamcy with someone I guess. Who know. See you later guys. Oh and future me, I drew paper hope you lost. 

Lonely, slightly drunk, possibly high off of a mix of rum and anti-depressants

I responded to adds on craiglist from woman looking for boyfriends...*insert facepalm here...*

I even posted one under the m4w....I am literally hitting my head against my desk right now...

welp so thats a thing now

on the other hand it could lead to a fulfilling and wonderful relationship right?


right?

Greetings,

I have a good friend of a mine both irl and here on DA who needs help. She is going to be homeless at the end of the month...She is also on the other side of the country otherwise I would take her in without hesitation...We are looking into alternative measure for her but right now we need your help. Below there is a link where you can donate money that is going to go towards food and a place to stay for her. This is not a guilt trip, this is me saying that I have nothing else to give and I have a friend in need. Please Help.

www.gofundme.com/kt69ewv9

Thank you for taking time to read this, and thank you for any and all support you are willing to give.

I am in your debt,

Ookami no Getsuei

can't sleep, thumbing through some of my earliest writings and Lord Almighty is that shit terrible. I sincerly apologize to any and everyone I made endure that horrible waste of space and time. I certainly hope I have improved at least a little since then.